I recently had to answer several questions about myself in a fashion that I have not done in quite some time. On paper...in essay form. There are only a few things that I find worthy of writing about, much less taking the time to re-write for the public to read. Contrary to the culture, I am not my favorite topic. I never was one for homework. So for what it's worth, that was actually difficult for me. I feel like this may be important enough to share with as many people as possible. Over and over again. Pay attention. This may have happened to you or to someone you know or it may need to happen.
I grew up in a Christian home that went to church every Sunday and also sent the children to a Christian school. I was taught about Jesus and all the other stories in the Bible from a young age. I was taught how to live and act morally. Also from a young age, I saw other kids respond to an invitation at chapel or youth camp and return "saved". I did the same. I made at least 3 false professions growing up in and around church. One was because I was young and didn't know what true salvation was. I understood all those verses in the Romans road that were used, but I did not understand the mystery of the promise of Jesus Christ through the gospel. The other professions were made due to pressure of what I assume was a well meaning pastor or counselor. The last false profession that I made was at age 15 at youth camp. This was the worst of all because although I knew I had lied in front of the entire youth group, eventually the devil used it to confuse me into half-heartedly believing that my profession was actually an act of faith that I needed. But inside, I knew it wasn't true and thanks be to God that He continued to work in my heart.
Finally, as a senior in high school, near my 18th birthday, I came under heavy conviction by the Holy Spirit of my sin, my lack of righteousness, and the judgment that I deserved. It gripped my life. I knew I was a liar, the chief among sinners, and that I had no hope except to be saved by Jesus. The weight of this conviction was nearly unbearable. Each night I would run to my bed, cover my head, and pray that I didn't die in that state because I knew that God's wrath on me would crush me. I knew that it would be justified for all the wickedness I had done. I tried to bargain with God for my salvation. I tried to work up the faith on my own. Finally, I tried to claim it (perhaps a better description would be, demand it), from God because I knew all the right words and all the right scriptures. That didn't work either. I imagine it would be the equivalent of a drowned man at the bottom of the ocean to try and call out to a rescue helicopter in the darkness of night. Impossible.
I remember my sorrow and despair continued to build. It seemed I could do nothing by cry and hope for a miracle. But I was stubborn, continuing to believe that if I said the right words, stirred up the correct amount of emotion, and prayed the perfect prayer God would surely have to save me. At the peak of my frustration, I asked God what I had done wrong. "How do I translate a 'head knowledge' of who He is and what Jesus had done into a 'heart knowledge' or saving faith?"
I bean to plead, "God, I know that you are the creator. I know that you are Holy, Holy, Holy! I know that I deserve to die for my sins. I know that I have no righteousness on my own. I know that Jesus is your Son. I know the verses. I know that John 3:16 says, for You so loved the world, that You sent Jesus to die for the sins of the world!"
That moment is when it happened! Jesus responded, "
You say I died for the sins of the world, but I DIED FOR YOU." Instantly, for the very first time, that popular verse that I had memorized and repeated countless times was made real to me. The salvation of Jesus was personal. It was for me. Faith was real to me. It was as if he found me as a dead man at the bottom of the ocean of despair, and breathed new life into me. Nevermore to return to that old life. Not because of anything I had done. It was solely because of what Christ did!
A short time after high school graduation and a few months after the defining moment of my personal relationship with Jesus, I was in preparation for the rest of my life. With my first semester of college only a couple of months away, the realization of adulthood and the multitude of possibilities filled my mind. The first major decisions that I would get to make was, "where would I go to college" and "what would I like to do as a career". I don't recall how I became aware of Bethel College in McKenzie, TN; regardless, I found myself enrolled for the 2000 fall semester with the intent of studying physical therapy or some sort of sports related medical training. One of the perks of being a Bethel student was that you were given a university owned laptop to use while you were enrolled. After registration, I was allowed to take the laptop home with me and use it over the summer. I'm sure that there was little to no educational use during that summer. I mostly used it to surf the internet and log into AOL chat (FYI younger people: this was the quickest and easiest form of person to person communication before text messaging or social media).
One evening after coming home late from work, I decided to fire up the laptop and sign on to AOL. I used the chat application to mostly converse with friends and to peruse the profiles of females of similar age and interests. The application allowed you to write a brief bio, list your gender/age, and also select categories that you associated with in order to allow others to find and chat with you. That particular summer had also been filled with a substantial spiritual growth due to my recent conversion, my God-given desire to study the Bible, and the fellowship and study that I had with my Christian brothers. At that particular time, I had changed my bio. Instead of some witty comments about me, instead I had listed a Bible verse. I must be getting older because I don't remember which one it was.
As I was about to shut everything down and go to bed, I received a message from someone not on my friend's list. As I would routinely do, I immediately checked the user's profile. Being an 18 year old young man, I was pretty much screening who I chatted with to only female strangers. This person was a 14 year old male. I almost instantly ignored this person and went to bed, but for some reason I decided to see what caused the stranger to message me. Almost immediately into the conversation, the young man asked if I was a Christian. He had been searching for hope that night and I don't know what brought him to select my screen name and read my bio. Wait a minute...yes I do. It was purely a God thing. A conversation ensued that I was not prepared for. The young man said that his childhood had been rough. He didn't feel loved. He had been told by his biological father that he was never wanted. That it would have been better if he had been aborted. He was a mistake. His father wanted nothing to do with him. The young man was contemplating suicide.
I did the best that I could. I wasn't trained. I didn't know how to address something of this magnitude. I listened and I prayed. I chatted with the young man for a couple of hours. And then a few days later, when I saw him online again. I hope that the conversation we had changed his life, because I know it changed mine. Shortly after that, I began to realize that I had enrolled at Bethel and decided that I wanted my own will for my life. I wanted to be in sports medicine because that was what I loved. My desires changed and I withdrew from Bethel before the semester started. I mailed back the laptop and enrolled at Mid-Continent College. My new career path was to go into Psychology and Counseling for families and troubled teenagers. I felt like God had given me specific gifts of listening, reasoning, and compassion for people that were suited for that career. I wanted to live a life of significance and purpose.
Over the next 14 years, well, a lot happened. Life happened. I eventually left MCC and enrolled at Murray State University. The Psychology department at MSU was nothing like that at a Christian college like MCC. After speaking with advisors, I changed my major and moved to the Social Work department. It seemed to be more practical and offered a clearer path to what I thought I was supposed to do. After a couple of years in the program, I began to get disinterested and a little bit disgusted by the message that the Social Work department preached. I lost focus on why I had went down that path to start with, but I still wanted to live a life of significance and purpose.
I eventually got my minor in Social Work, but had focused more on my professional career with Walmart. The last 4 semesters of college, I had been in a special management training program and was immediately promoted upon graduation. Walmart provided income, promotion opportunities, and eventually a leadership position with a lot of significance, but for me it had little purpose except for the relationships that I had with the people that I was in charge of. Personally I was proud of what I had accomplished. I enjoyed the recognition. I enjoyed being in a leadership position, but something was still missing. Since then, I have changed careers. I meet with people everyday, with the task of helping them analyze and prepare for life when the worst happens. I believe this job has purpose and there will be days when it will be of utmost significance. But still, something is missing.
Thoughts flood through my head so quickly that I am often overwhelmed and can scarcely focus on something for more than a few minutes. Time is fleeting and I find myself often at the end of the day wondering what just happened and how could I let it get away. I have the best intentions for tomorrow but find myself discouraged when things don't line up the way that I had planned. Past mistakes are brought to mind and sometimes I get paralyzed by them. "SIGNIFICANCE!" and '"PURPOSE!" is what I shout inside my head. As the noise in my head gets ever louder and the weight of wasted time and missed opportunities begin to break me down, I look up and know that there is only one thing that I care about. Only one thing that I will proclaim. It is like a fire in my bones! I cannot keep it in!
In Him and His work I find my significance and purpose. He has called out, "
WHOM SHALL I SEND?" I cannot resist. I cannot rest. "Here I am. Send Me!" I don't know what is planned for me or how God will use this, but I am ready and willing.
I have had many seasons in my life. I am far from perfect. I have had seasons that have been prosperous both spiritually and personally, and I have had seasons that have been a total disaster. Honestly, if it were solely up to me, the entirety of my life would be failure after failure. The one constant that has remained is the relationship that Christ has with me. I have moved away from home, focused on advancing my career, started a family, found success among my peers, and then fallen completely on my face when I thought I had mastered this life. Through that all, God's love and chastising has never been absent. I continue to be called to follow Him and have a personal relationship with Him. I have always felt called to serve Him in some way. As I have matured, I have noticed that my heart has been driven to desire not the things that I used to, but the things that will advance the kingdom, glorify God, and make the name of Jesus famous.
In the times that I have struggled in my walk, neglected the need for daily fellowship with God, and either skipped church or gone only for outward appearances, I have found that God has still been faithful. Most recently, I've felt like I was the prodigal son and when I returned home, His arms were waiting and it was not dependent on any recompense that I had to make. I am compelled to serve Him. Often I feel led to spend more of my time and energy on doing things that are of eternal significance. I would rather find myself poor and unknown than wealthy and esteemed by men, as long as I contributed to the cause of Christ and the advancement of His kingdom. Nothing else matters.
